Secret Junior Inc. Press Conference - Transcript 09:04 March 23rd 2010

Secret Junior Inc. Press Conference - Transcript 09:04 March 23rd 2010

Dustin Wooferson: Good afternoon. Thank you all for coming at such short notice. We are currently unwilling to comment on the rumours that Mr Nifigance failed to emerge from Fort Rack Studios following Wednesday night's world record attempt.
We are however addressing the assassination plot discovered prior to the performance.
OK, so I'm just going to list them, if that's okay with everyone?
Suspects in Nifigance Assassination Pseudo Coup, informed by the Columbo Theory of detection:

- The Porcelain Allstars

Means: Numerous. The PAS are a White Supremacist crack commando unit

Motive: Nifigance made a mockery of their legendarily exclusive shindigs, by stealthily infiltrating one of their annual clambakes, whereupon he probed a senior member deeply during a vulnerable moment, while suitably lubricated with Alcohol. The PAS believe Nifigance extracted information sufficient to thwart a planned sun-tan protest scheduled for 'Tan Masters' tanning Salon in Heaton Chapel in early 2010.

Opportunity: Operatives believed to have been in vicinity of Fort Rack Studios for routine bus-interruption detail.

- Tinyfolk

Means: Folk is predominantly imbibed by a library, giving him ample research materials to inform his assassination technique.

Motive: Egomaniacal tweed-sleeved hipster-cum-supervillain - Tiny Folk, Real name: 'Rustle (in the) Woods' has been Nifigance's mortal enemy ever since they clashed over opposing Library Indexing philosophies in 2005. Mr Folk prefers the safer, homogonised Dewey Decimal System, while Nifigance champions the Library of Congress Classification system. Tinyfolk could scarcely believe this, when he discovered it via Google alerts.

Opportunity: Tiny has been noticible by his absence on once-stomping ground - www.cllct.com . In a move uncharacteristic of any aspiring Indie darling, he also missed a concert by The Magnetic Fields despite having a ticket. His whereabouts over the last few weeks has not yet been accounted for. While this information does not in itself prove the Trans-Atlantic rowboat theory, it does not fully dispel it either. U.S. customs has no record of Mr Folk's movements over the last fortnight, making passage down the Mississippi, and across the Atlantic the most likely means of transportation.

- The Church of The Screaming Magnesium

Motive
Acronym Antagomism Abounds Theory: Nifigance erected the Headquarters of his Catalogues Of The Secret Museum opposite their headquarters. The church believe Nifigance did this as an antagonistic act, while Nifigance maintains that his Catalogues inception predates the Church's by a signifigant number of seconds. Nifigance has unabashedly bragged about embezzling funds during his clandestine stint as an intern.
Their financial clout gives them the Means, and Opportunity, whenever it takes their fancy.

- Catfish Rivers Esq III

Rivers offered Nifigance a guest appearance on his radio show. Talks for this exclusive sneak peek at Nifigance's new album came screeching to halt when Nifigance revealed that he would never ordinarily listen to Rivers' show, saying: "Why would I listen to Catfish Rivers when I could just take Ketamine, pour Tab Clear over my head and talk inbetween songs from my own music collection & a self-help relaxation CD playing on shuffle? It’s the same Golf-Verboten thing…"

Rumours that the pressing-ahead with the release of the new Vincent Nifigance album signal that this crisis is in fact an elaborate martketing ploy, will be met with categorical denial: Rather this is being undertaken in hopes that it might force him to re-app... er.. it might hasten a close to this episode.

The following quote published by Zeit-Heist magazine, allegedly culled from a telephone interview on the morning of the performance, are not yet credited to Nifigance. (The Journalist was challenged to produce the audio, and has so far been unable to locate it)

"Last night I felt kind of weird. Like the entire planet was people with NPCs. Everyone except for me. This thought had me teetering on the precipice of the insanity-chasm. If I had leant into the breeze of a feeling that I was wrong, it wouldn't have been blowing hard enough to hold me up. I had a fitful sleep. I woke up intermittently. When I did I felt as thogh I was being written into existence in my sleep, resplendent with bad grammar, by some bastard-hack."

That's all we are willing to say at this time. There will be no questions.

End.

Setlist from The Schrodinger-Cast
Twinkle Town Morning/Wake Up
Best Damn Thing Ever
The Synagogue
Earthquakes Segueway/Transistor
In My Heart I Am Afraid
Pepper
Telephony
O.D.(e) To The Attempted Suicide Girl
Dancing The New Doom
Hug, Hug, (Bleuch)